"Bottom Dog Always Wins"

(warning: serious matters ahead. You've been warned.)

Today, it fell into place: I don't actually know how to relate to other people in a healthy way. It's "top dog/bottom dog," in the phrase used by the doctor today. Top Dog is the one who says how things will be, who makes the demands, who says "you must please me." Bottom Dog is the one who strives to please, who crouches with tail low, and who, if he resists, passively resists.

And here's the thing: every important relationship in my life, without an exception I can think of, has been this way. I have always been Bottom Dog, putting myself in the subordinate position of the one who wants to/has to please, thereby allowing or forcing the other to adopt the position of authority--the One Who Must be Pleased.

But there's more: I don't know how to fix it. I don't know what steps I should take in order to correct the problem. And it is a problem. However, there is a great deal of relief in finally (I think) getting to the root of much of what has happened this past year. I'm still not sure that "bottom dog always wins," in the phrase used by the doctor today--I fail to see how I've won much of anything by being this way.

There is one possibility we talked about today: It's time to stop swallowing anger. Frustration & guilt, my daily emotional bread, are evidently two forms of sublimated anger. And depression is partially caused by anger turned inward, inflicted on oneself. As he told me, "the result is a heart attack at age 50." I told him I know how to be sad, but not how to be angry--certainly not how to express it. The prospect is terrifying; it means that I cannot be passive. It means that I have to relearn a lot about relating to other people. Even if that way lies freedom, the road looks awfully long from where I'm standing.