It's become one of my frequent self-deprecating statements. I had reason to think about this some this past weekend--why that came about isn't all that important--and though I hate to say it, I'm kinda glad I'm not a good baptist.
In short, I've come to believe that much of the "theology" I was taught (or that I somehow ingested) as a young man in HS and College, bright but overly eager to please, was not actual theology at all--but a pale imitation of true theology, mixed more with cultural norms and particular evangelical quirks. For some people, the brand of conservative (at times fundamentalist) evangelicalism I grew up in serves them well through their entire lives.
For me, that upbringing just reinforced the notion that nothing is ever good enough--that God is in fact demanding to be pleased by me, but is never actually pleased by what I can produce. That my very human-ness is itself a condemnation. And since I'm already a pessimist and prone to a touch of self-loathing, well.
It's an old complaint, I know--but there was a conversation this weekend that made it come back to my mind with a particular force. I'm just trying to find a new way now. It's hard work.
You know, I read this and think to myself, "some people write these really long developed essays on their blogs. I admire that. Apparently, that's not my style." The above is pretty sketchy, but maybe it's enough for now.
1 comment:
I think I understand. And you are right. I would not take bad theology to heart, though. The only thing that God wants is a relationship (with our good self, our bad self, our annoyed self...everything). Whatever goodness we have from a spiritual standpoint flows out of that. He is a lot more forgiving and understanding than are many Baptists and particularly many hot-shot preachers. You are so smart that you see the inconsistencies right away while most people in the pew just blow it off...
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