In addition to grading end-of-term mountains of paper, I am having to endure the constant prattle of an extremely self-satisfied student (evidently graduating in the spring) talking to a professor across the hall. She is speaking glibly of "getting into" grad school at Michigan or Maryland or UNC in a wide variety of disciplines (I've heard poli-sci, ILS, economics, sociology), even applying to Princeton "just for kicks," using several state institutions as "safety-valve" schools where she can slingshot to a better program.
I'm jolted back about a decade, when I was also speaking glibly about "getting in" at an ivy-league school or U of Chicago--and actively resisting the urge to walk over there, sit the young woman down, and thoroughly puncture that balloon-cloud she's riding on (preferably in the calm, slightly weary tones of a John McGowan or James Thompson). I got into school at UNC by Providence--and on this end, I'm humbled and grateful that I even got a second look. Having a swelled head about my own abilities did me no favors.
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Okay, so this is going to seem kind of weird, but a friend of mine told me to read your blog because she said you were rather amusing. As an alumna of UTM, I found the different perspectives and the poetry very interesting.
Then I hit this entry.
You're not going to believe this, but I am the student you're mentioning. Small world, right?
At this time, I was dealing with a wide variety of things (grad school apps, therapy, and depression amongst other errata) and I was trying to persuade myself that everything was going to be okay by being loud and overconfident. Defense mech, to be sure. The professor you mention was kind enough to let me prattle on about where I was going although I'm sure he was tired of hearing it as well. Hindsight is most definitely 20-20.
I also have to admit that it was very embarrassing to read this description and realize what a complete ass I was being at the time.
I thought you might like to know that by the time the letters arrived, I had calmed down quite a bit. I actually did end up making it into UNC, Maryland, and Michigan and I do realize now how lucky I was to even be considered, much less accepted. I honestly didn't realize at the time how prestigious these places were and therefore, spoke of them casually and off-handedly as if they were nothing. I could tell you of the heart attack I had when I finally sat down and really started researching the places in order to make a decision...to be honest, I sort of went around the grad school process like a drunken monkey around a barrel of gin.
As for Princeton (for which I really just wanted the rejection letter on my wall, "for kicks" as you quoted me saying...ugh), I ended up not applying. By the time it got down to the wire, my Jenga tower of an ego wouldn't have let me be rejected (because I knew I would have been; it's Princeton after all) even though that's what I expected deep inside.
I also wanted to let you know as well that I do (did?) appreciate you not coming in there and telling me about myself, although I'm sure you would have rather it been otherwise.
And although it's over a year later, I want you to know that I'm really sorry for making you listen to that. I hate that that was the impression you got of me, but mostly I'm really sorry I acted that way to begin with and that you had to put up with it. Mea culpa.
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